Posts tagged ‘Weekend’
I’ve recently come to a terrible realization:
I’m attracted to straight girls.
Not exclusively, of course, but many a time that I’ve found a girl attractive, she turned out to be straight. I know that every gay girl has straight crushes. I know that it’s not my fault. But dammit, why isn’t my gaydar better?! And now you’re probably thinking, “Wow, Junko, you need to get your shit together,” but ladies, it is so hard to tell where I live. First of all, there are so many hipsters it’s not even laughable anymore, all of whom throw my gaydar flying off a cliff. Second of all, even non-hipsters keep giving me all these SIGNS that just turn out to be false. I’m starting to wonder whether I should keep taking Effing Dykes and Autostraddle as the gospel. Let me give you some examples of what I’m talking about:
GIRL #1: Gorgeous Theatre Director
This girl is a theatre directing major, looks like Regina Spektor, loves Shakespeare, sings in an a capella group. We met in a Starbucks while she was slightly toasted, and a year later saw each other on a bus. At the time we really hit it off. She kept talking about her directing stuff, and we talked a bit about opera stuff, and also just random stuff. Stuff, stuff, stuff. If it makes sense, it was one of those conversations that never would have stopped if we hadn’t had to go separate directions. It was all I could do to keep from just staring at her. As we spit directions she was says to me, “If you’re ever on the 11pm bus again, I hope that I run into you.” At this point I contemplated purposely waiting to take the 11pm bus every single night until I saw her again. We were already Facebook friends, and so we arranged for lunch the next week in a cafeteria. Can you say “awkward turtle”? I can. She clammed up. Then we basically didn’t talk for another few months, and I posted a Happy Birthday video on her wall and she was like, “Let’s do lunch again!”
I think I’m confused. Maybe she’s straight and I’m doing the awkward turtle by myself, or she’s sending me mixed signals and she’s interested. The general response I get when I ask about her is: “As far as I know, she’s straight.” Literally…I’ve had the same exact wording from about 3 people. Honestly, I don’t care anymore. I just want to play video games and stare at her face for a few hours.
GIRL #2: Ex-Dreadlocks Violinist
This girl I’ve known since my freshman year (before I knew I was gay), and always wondered why I wanted to be such good friends with her. *headdesk* I started talking to her again recently because she had really cute headphones with Matroshka dolls on them, and ate lunch together a few times and I asked her if she wanted to hang out. So we made sushi together with asparagus, cucumber, and avocado. I also saw her at a friend’s Shabbat Shalom, and I tipsily talked with her while I sat on the floor and gazed at her. She’s Jewish, has cute, spiky, short hair–and she used to have dreadlocks–wears a plaid flappy-eared furry hat, and decorates each of her spice containers when she gets a new spice.
You might think, “Junko, she’s gay. It’s ok. Don’t be shy.” Yeah yeah, I get it, it seemed obvious, but…SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND! She has a boyfriend that is a sound engineer and works in New York. It was sort of the end of the world for a few days, but I got over it. Now we make pad-thai together and eat Japanese cookies that look like burgers. It’s fine. No problem, except that my brain keeps yelling, “Why aren’t you gay?!”
GIRL #3: Adorable, Dorky Freshman
This girl I’m actually still hoping is gay, but as far as I know she’s straight, so hear me out:
I was sitting in the library, trying to study or some shit like that, and suddenly I saw this girl glancing at me from the opposite table. This was not that subtle, because we were literally across from each other, but at different tables. She had long, red, curly hair, and a polka-dot skirt. My homo senses kicked in–rightfully I think–and I glanced up occasionally and smiled at her. The SAME DAY I was in an entirely different building for a class and saw her. I smiled again at her as she passed and suddenly she stops me and says in a long spiel, “Hey I saw you at the department recital the other day and I thought you were really good and I’m a freshman and a mezzo too and thought you were amazing! I just wanted to let you know.” Pictures me running through fields of flowers, having picnics with plaid blankets, and sundresses ran through my head.
SO CUTE RIGHT?! So we stood in the hallway until her class started talking about where we’re from and various facts about ourselves. Now she’s my freshman. MY freshman. She comes to my apartment and she plays board games and watches movies with my friends, and she offered for me to stay at her apartment when I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my heat, and wants me to visit her in New York when I look at grad schools, and likes to walk through book stores with no particular purpose.
I have no intentions for any of these ladies (especially the one with the boyfriend), except to get to know them better. I feel like that’s all anyone can ever really do, and try my best not to be a big ole lesbian creeper.
Your turn. Straight crushes? Anyone?
How was your Halloween, ladies? I hope it was filled with a lot of girls in cute outfits, because that’s what mine was. Before you think, “Well of course it was…it’s Halloween!” But aaaaaaah, my friend, you have no idea.
I went to an anime convention for Halloween. It was probably the best Halloween I’ve ever had, and I will continue to do that as long as I can. There was so much anime. There were loud conversations about Pokemon, DDR, fighting games, dancing, booze, and most importantly, COSPLAY! So much cosplay! Costumes from animes I’ve never even heard of and that aren’t even released in the U.S. probably, and lots of girls cross-dressing as their favorite anime guys. Sometimes I forget why I like anime, and then I remember when I am surrounded by some of the most adorably awkward people you’ll ever meet.
I also got to take pictures of pretty girls, like this one:
Didn’t know THAT was what you’d see at an anime con, huh? Besides the hot girls in costumes, it was mostly just great being able to spend time with my roommates in a way that only we can appreciate. We played video games together, talked about anime, talked and played with other random people, and also drank a lot of lime-vodka and Diet Pepsi, which actually tasted good, and caused one of my roommates to go a little berserk after his energy powder kicked in.
FYI: don’t take more than your recommended dosage of B12, especially right before drinking booze.
Going to this anime convention has really liberated me, and made me feel more open about myself. For whatever reason, I’ve always kept that part of myself hidden from certain groups of friends, because I thought that they would judge me for it. I’ve realized recently though, that a lot of my friends are just as geeky as I am, or that people I didn’t expect watch anime or play games. I’ve been able to deepen my relationships with people simply by talking about geeky things that I like. Now I don’t feel scared to talk to people about anime or games, because the chances that they’ll accept my geekiness is higher than I think. Sure, sometimes people give me strange looks, or have a snarky comment, but it’s mostly related to their ignorance about geek-life and issues.
HMMMMM…you know what this sounds like?
COMING OUT AS GAY!
It’s the same thing. EXACTLY the SAME. I recently came out to my roommates, and it was completely fine. They pretty much knew, but now me, my male roommate, and my other lesbian roommate can talk about girls more. We give each other advice, and joke about it constantly now. It has really changed the dynamic of my household for the better, and in EXACTLY the SAME way that talking to my friends about my geekdom has changed the dynamics of my life and how I carry myself. It has also given me a little more strength to come out to my friends, or to just talk about gay things without fear, because chances are they’ll accept it. It’s just another part of who I am.
Hm, now I go to bed.
I went to a wedding this weekend. It was the perfect fall wedding. The chapel was small and intimate, the bride was gorgeous, the weather was perfect, and the trees were on fire with fall colors. I brought one of my gay-male friends to assure that my date would look, dance, and act smashingly. Which both of us did. The day before the wedding I had to make an emergency-hyper-shopping-mode trip to the mall because I forgot my heels. I only had yellow converse. I also ended up buying a dress to match, so I looked damn cute.
After the wedding we headed over to the reception, and my friends and date and I all walked around a bit until some other people sat at the temple. Looking around, it seemed as if we were the “kids table,” even though the other “kids” were probably in their mid-twenties. Everything was fine, until we started talking about where we went to school:
Asshole: “She goes to that dyke school, Notre Dame.”
*Everyone laughs, including my friends and I out of shock.*
Asshole: “Her sister even played softball there.”
*Another laugh from Asshole’s friends.*
Asshole: “But now she’s married to a man, which is a good thing.”
I don’t think I have to explain why this is offense. My friends and I were all completely shocked, and the man’s girlfriend realized immediately that we were offended. My date went to the bathroom while I tried to keep eating, and then my friend and I both went to the bathroom to explode. They tried to explain themselves, of course, but it only dug them into a deeper hole.
This was the first time that I’ve ever experienced any discrimination, directly or indirectly. These people didn’t mean anything by it, but their ignorance really hurt. Luckily, I have really good friends, and my friend’s boyfriend told them:
“Hey, you know that he’s gay right? And she’s also gay.”
They felt awful. Asshole apologized the rest of the night, and tried to make up with my date the rest of the night, and ended up getting us Captain and Cokes the rest of the night. I’ve never felt so discriminated before, but I’ve also never felt so proud of my friends, or so happy with how the world has progressed. A few years ago even, they might not have even tried to accept us.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it was a pretty eye-opening experience for me. I knew that someday I would face discrimination, but I expected to be angry and ready for a fight, and not having to forgive them so quickly. It also made me to realize that it is better to play nice, and people are more willing to ask for forgiveness.
Funny thing, friends, is that I didn’t have to ask these questions. I knew that I knew her. I knew we were friends on Facebook. And I knew her full name. She looked like Natalie Portman and Regina Spektor’s baby, and I thought she was probably the most beautiful person I’d ever seen.