Posts tagged ‘gaydar’
I’ve recently come to a terrible realization:
I’m attracted to straight girls.
Not exclusively, of course, but many a time that I’ve found a girl attractive, she turned out to be straight. I know that every gay girl has straight crushes. I know that it’s not my fault. But dammit, why isn’t my gaydar better?! And now you’re probably thinking, “Wow, Junko, you need to get your shit together,” but ladies, it is so hard to tell where I live. First of all, there are so many hipsters it’s not even laughable anymore, all of whom throw my gaydar flying off a cliff. Second of all, even non-hipsters keep giving me all these SIGNS that just turn out to be false. I’m starting to wonder whether I should keep taking Effing Dykes and Autostraddle as the gospel. Let me give you some examples of what I’m talking about:
GIRL #1: Gorgeous Theatre Director
This girl is a theatre directing major, looks like Regina Spektor, loves Shakespeare, sings in an a capella group. We met in a Starbucks while she was slightly toasted, and a year later saw each other on a bus. At the time we really hit it off. She kept talking about her directing stuff, and we talked a bit about opera stuff, and also just random stuff. Stuff, stuff, stuff. If it makes sense, it was one of those conversations that never would have stopped if we hadn’t had to go separate directions. It was all I could do to keep from just staring at her. As we spit directions she was says to me, “If you’re ever on the 11pm bus again, I hope that I run into you.” At this point I contemplated purposely waiting to take the 11pm bus every single night until I saw her again. We were already Facebook friends, and so we arranged for lunch the next week in a cafeteria. Can you say “awkward turtle”? I can. She clammed up. Then we basically didn’t talk for another few months, and I posted a Happy Birthday video on her wall and she was like, “Let’s do lunch again!”
I think I’m confused. Maybe she’s straight and I’m doing the awkward turtle by myself, or she’s sending me mixed signals and she’s interested. The general response I get when I ask about her is: “As far as I know, she’s straight.” Literally…I’ve had the same exact wording from about 3 people. Honestly, I don’t care anymore. I just want to play video games and stare at her face for a few hours.
GIRL #2: Ex-Dreadlocks Violinist
This girl I’ve known since my freshman year (before I knew I was gay), and always wondered why I wanted to be such good friends with her. *headdesk* I started talking to her again recently because she had really cute headphones with Matroshka dolls on them, and ate lunch together a few times and I asked her if she wanted to hang out. So we made sushi together with asparagus, cucumber, and avocado. I also saw her at a friend’s Shabbat Shalom, and I tipsily talked with her while I sat on the floor and gazed at her. She’s Jewish, has cute, spiky, short hair–and she used to have dreadlocks–wears a plaid flappy-eared furry hat, and decorates each of her spice containers when she gets a new spice.
You might think, “Junko, she’s gay. It’s ok. Don’t be shy.” Yeah yeah, I get it, it seemed obvious, but…SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND! She has a boyfriend that is a sound engineer and works in New York. It was sort of the end of the world for a few days, but I got over it. Now we make pad-thai together and eat Japanese cookies that look like burgers. It’s fine. No problem, except that my brain keeps yelling, “Why aren’t you gay?!”
GIRL #3: Adorable, Dorky Freshman
This girl I’m actually still hoping is gay, but as far as I know she’s straight, so hear me out:
I was sitting in the library, trying to study or some shit like that, and suddenly I saw this girl glancing at me from the opposite table. This was not that subtle, because we were literally across from each other, but at different tables. She had long, red, curly hair, and a polka-dot skirt. My homo senses kicked in–rightfully I think–and I glanced up occasionally and smiled at her. The SAME DAY I was in an entirely different building for a class and saw her. I smiled again at her as she passed and suddenly she stops me and says in a long spiel, “Hey I saw you at the department recital the other day and I thought you were really good and I’m a freshman and a mezzo too and thought you were amazing! I just wanted to let you know.” Pictures me running through fields of flowers, having picnics with plaid blankets, and sundresses ran through my head.
SO CUTE RIGHT?! So we stood in the hallway until her class started talking about where we’re from and various facts about ourselves. Now she’s my freshman. MY freshman. She comes to my apartment and she plays board games and watches movies with my friends, and she offered for me to stay at her apartment when I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my heat, and wants me to visit her in New York when I look at grad schools, and likes to walk through book stores with no particular purpose.
I have no intentions for any of these ladies (especially the one with the boyfriend), except to get to know them better. I feel like that’s all anyone can ever really do, and try my best not to be a big ole lesbian creeper.
Your turn. Straight crushes? Anyone?
I recently made a beautiful discovery through my male, straight roommate (believe me, those two distinctions go hand in hand). We showed me this video:
This was the first conversation that we had about her:
Me: Aaaah! So cute! Ashly’s so cute! She has to be gay!
Roommate: Noooooo! No way she’s gay! I haven’t been getting that feeling, and I’m usually right about girls.
Me: Uh, [Roommate], she’s gay.
Roommate: You’re wrong!
Me: She’s swearing like a sailor!
Roommate: That doesn’t matter!
Me: She’s rapping with a sideways baseball cap!
Roommate: Lots of girls do that!
Me: [Roommate]! Now she’s wearing a suit and tie. Give it up.
After this particular conversation, my roommate and I went on a war, based around determining the sexual orientation of this elusive creature. We both began to obsessively watch as many videos as we could in the next few days, along with looking at the HAWP website, listening to the Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin’ Podcast, and in my case downloading a tile wallpaper of Ashly Burch. She also has a DVD on Amazon. Just sayin’.
My other gay roommate agrees that she’s gay, but my straight roommate couldn’t tell (of course, she couldn’t tell with me either). Honestly, I’m starting to doubt myself, especially because, shockingly, my gaydar is not very good. My gut reactions are always a certain way, but then I start to over-analyze everything about this person, and suddenly my gaydar BREAKS. This is an unfortunate pattern in my life. Apparently my roommate has the same problem though.
Here’s my evidence:
– Baseball cap
– Suit (in multiple videos)
– Lots of swearing
– Super cute smile
– Really really awesome
– Plays with NERF guns
– Super huge eyes
I realize that most of these don’t make sense. I’m OK with that, because I really want her to be gay. If you talked to my roommate, he would have an equally nonsensical list at the ready. This is why I can’t tell: because no matter how much I watch her videos…I STILL can’t tell. I think it would have been obvious by now, either way, so I’ve decided to just not care.
I have a question: how do you tell when a girl is gay? This may seem like something I should know, and something that would be practically essential to my survival as a lesbian, but I still have no idea. Is it because I have a thing for straight girls? Is it because I’m being too hopeful that all girls are actually a bit gay? Is it because girls ARE becoming more gay? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m very confused all the time.
What I’ve come to understand are that there are a few tell-tale signs of a lesbian, and then also additional clues coupled with one or more of these signs adds additional coverage. Or if the signs aren’t present, but enough clues are, then they are also a lesbian. Here are what I consider signs from what I’ve learned on Effing Dykes and Autostraddle, mostly:
- “Interested In: Women” on Facebook
- Seen making out with another girl, other than at a sorority/fraternity party
- Seen comfortable at a gay club/bar
- Has a “Nobody knows I’m a lezbian” t-shirt
- Girls name other than her mother tattooed on her
- Lip-piercing: this is the most important, apparently
- Fedora: only a non-straw-type fedora, such as felt
- Likes The L Word
- Likes America’s Next Top Model
- Likes Tegan and Sara
- Likes Skins
- Chose the romantic relationship Leliana on Dragon Age: Origins
- Has a huge love for blazers
- Would “go gay” for Angelina Jolie/Keira Knightly/Natalie Portman/Ellen Page/Kristen Stewart/etc.
- Lots o’ plaid in wardrobe
- Loves cats
This is sort of all I have to go on. Maybe there are other ways to tell…but I haven’t found them. Help me please?