Straight Girl Crushes

December 25, 2010 at 10:48 pm 5 comments

I’ve recently come to a terrible realization:

I’m attracted to straight girls.

Not exclusively, of course, but many a time that I’ve found a girl attractive, she turned out to be straight. I know that every gay girl has straight crushes. I know that it’s not my fault. But dammit, why isn’t my gaydar better?!  And now you’re probably thinking, “Wow, Junko, you need to get your shit together,” but ladies, it is so hard to tell where I live. First of all, there are so many hipsters it’s not even laughable anymore, all of whom throw my gaydar flying off a cliff. Second of all, even non-hipsters keep giving me all these SIGNS that just turn out to be false. I’m starting to wonder whether I should keep taking Effing Dykes and Autostraddle as the gospel. Let me give you some examples of what I’m talking about:

GIRL #1: Gorgeous Theatre Director

This girl is a theatre directing major, looks like Regina Spektor, loves Shakespeare, sings in an a capella group. We met in a Starbucks while she was slightly toasted, and a year later saw each other on a bus. At the time we really hit it off. She kept talking about her directing stuff, and we talked a bit about opera stuff, and also just random stuff. Stuff, stuff, stuff. If it makes sense, it was one of those conversations that never would have stopped if we hadn’t had to go separate directions. It was all I could do to keep from just staring at her. As we spit directions she was says to me, “If you’re ever on the 11pm bus again, I hope that I run into you.” At this point I contemplated purposely waiting to take the 11pm bus every single night until I saw her again. We were already Facebook friends, and so we arranged for lunch the next week in a cafeteria. Can you say “awkward turtle”? I can. She clammed up. Then we basically didn’t talk for another few months, and I posted a Happy Birthday video on her wall and she was like, “Let’s do lunch again!”

I think I’m confused. Maybe she’s straight and I’m doing the awkward turtle by myself, or she’s sending me mixed signals and she’s interested. The general response I get when I ask about her is: “As far as I know, she’s straight.” Literally…I’ve had the same exact wording from about 3 people. Honestly, I don’t care anymore. I just want to play video games and stare at her face for a few hours.

GIRL #2: Ex-Dreadlocks Violinist

This girl I’ve known since my freshman year (before I knew I was gay), and always wondered why I wanted to be such good friends with her. *headdesk* I started talking to her again recently because she had really cute headphones with Matroshka dolls on them, and ate lunch together a few times and I asked her if she wanted to hang out. So we made sushi together with asparagus, cucumber, and avocado. I also saw her at a friend’s Shabbat Shalom, and I tipsily talked with her while I sat on the floor and gazed at her. She’s Jewish, has cute, spiky, short hair–and she used to have dreadlocks–wears a plaid flappy-eared furry hat, and decorates each of her spice containers when she gets a new spice.

You might think, “Junko, she’s gay. It’s ok. Don’t be shy.” Yeah yeah, I get it, it seemed obvious, but…SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND! She has a boyfriend that is a sound engineer and works in New York. It was sort of the end of the world for a few days, but I got over it. Now we make pad-thai together and eat Japanese cookies that look like burgers. It’s fine. No problem, except that my brain keeps yelling, “Why aren’t you gay?!”

GIRL #3: Adorable, Dorky Freshman

This girl I’m actually still hoping is gay, but as far as I know she’s straight, so hear me out:

I was sitting in the library, trying to study or some shit like that, and suddenly I saw this girl glancing at me from the opposite table. This was not that subtle, because we were literally across from each other, but at different tables. She had long, red, curly hair, and a polka-dot skirt. My homo senses kicked in–rightfully I think–and I glanced up occasionally and smiled at her. The SAME DAY I was in an entirely different building for a class and saw her. I smiled again at her as she passed and suddenly she stops me and says in a long spiel, “Hey I saw you at the department recital the other day and I thought you were really good and I’m a freshman and a mezzo too and thought you were amazing! I just wanted to let you know.” Pictures me running through fields of flowers, having picnics with plaid blankets, and sundresses ran through my head.

SO CUTE RIGHT?! So we stood in the hallway until her class started talking about where we’re from and various facts about ourselves. Now she’s my freshman. MY freshman. She comes to my apartment and she plays board games and watches movies with my friends, and she offered for me to stay at her apartment when I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my heat, and wants me to visit her in New York when I look at grad schools, and likes to walk through book stores with no particular purpose.

I have no intentions for any of these ladies (especially the one with the boyfriend), except to get to know them better. I feel like that’s all anyone can ever really do, and try my best not to be a big ole lesbian creeper.

Your turn. Straight crushes? Anyone?


Entry filed under: Coming Out, Gaydar, Girlies. Tags: , , , , , , .

To be, or to date? Genderqueer and Skins

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. K  |  December 26, 2010 at 9:57 am


    Great post. As I’m sure you have noticed, the straight girl crush appears to be ubiquitous. I can’t say that I’ve actually ever experienced it, as all the girls I’ve consciously had feelings for have been something other than heterosexual.

    Though the straight girl crush may be perilous, there are dangers associated with the “type” of girl I get crushes on most frequently (as you know)–the free spirited bisexual. Now I know I’m generalizing, but I mean you’ve seen first hand, TROUBLE.

    Don’t you wish we could all be like my one friend and have magic powers where whatever girl she happens to be crushing on becomes temporarily gay for her? That’s some power. Oops. Radical homo agenda better shuddup.

  • 2. Junko  |  December 29, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Ahahahaha, that would be so cool. You could be Super-Lez, and your superpower would be just that. ^ ^

    But yeah, type crushes can be dangerous like you said, but I think that’s unavoidable, since we all have a type one way or another, whether we like it or not. Wah wah.

  • 3. Lez Law « Gummy_GAY  |  February 15, 2011 at 12:53 am

    […] Me: …yes. Well, anyway, I found out she might be possibly questioning her sexuality/be in a state of sexual confusion. It turns out a girl that I like has actually turned out to be gay! […]

  • 4. Clémence Buyck  |  December 6, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    I just found your article and I loved it ^^
    I’m a french girl, and I’m more than just bisexual (let’s just say that I would be 100 % lez if I hadn’t met my boyfriend 6 years ago.
    He’s the man of my live and I love him very much but I can’t help thinking about girls… I know I love girls and the first time I had sex with a girl, it was just mind-blowing! But well, that’s not the subjetc here. Well, all I wanted to say is yes, of course I had crushes for some straight girls… Because I believe my gaydar isn’t working very well (it may be because I’m not entirely gay…).
    So, I understand what you feel when you say that straight girls gave you some kind of signs that turned out to be false. I know this is hard to understand and to get over it, for having experienced it myself…
    By the way, I’ve got a question for you : there’s a girl in my class, she’s straight but she hasn’t got a boyfriend for a long time, and 6 months ago, during a post-exams party, she was drunk (but I didn’t know she was). So, I just acted like usual, I mean I just slipped some signs to her (she knew I’m attracted to girls so I often talk using some insinuations…
    For instance, that night: we were talking about I even don’t remember what and then, she said something like “You know, I’m open” (meaning open-minded, I suppose), so I replied “No need to tell me twice…” (I don’t know whether this is very English but well, in French, it is), and she answered something like “Go on, do it”. So, without thinking, I came closer to her face and we kissed each other! And several times, lol ^^ And I knew this meant nothing to her as I knew she was straight but I couldn’t help feeling very happy all the same 😉
    But the day after, we spoke together and she told me she was completely drunk the night before! And I had no idea! I just thought she has drunk a little, so she was all crazy, etc. But I wouldn’t have provoked the kiss if I had known she didn’t really knew what she was doing (at least, not as much as I knew what I was doing). But fortunately, she said that she wasn’t at all angry at me for having kissed her while she was drunk ^^ And she even admitted that she must have liked it as it was she who asked me to kiss her several times more (still at the party, right after the first kiss).
    We are still good friends and I keep giving her some signs… But well, of course, she is straight so I think she isn’t interested 😦
    So, my question is: what do you think of this?
    Here is my e-mail address so that you could answer me if you want to:
    Oh! I almost forgot: I truly love your style of writing 🙂 It has been a real pleasure to read your article.
    I’m your fan, lol ^^



    • 5. Heidi  |  December 6, 2011 at 11:27 pm

      Thank you so much for such an amazing comment on my post! I really appreciate it, and I’m currently writing an e-mail to you! ^_^


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